Somehow, when first creating my spot here on blogger, I got locked out of my original blog and could never get back in. For some reason, tonight, it let me in. I copy/pasted in case it locked me out again, and I'm glad I did because once I left the blog, I couldn't get back in.
I was recently asked what kind and how much experience I've had as a submissive, so I thought posting these to the blog I'm active with now might help give Her some insight to me and my experiences thus far.
Reading back over them now, I realize that I seem to keep finding and attempting relationships on some degree of a BDSM level. That's the reason I haven't found them fulfilling, because I need Domestic Discipline on a strict and nurturing level, and besides two lovers who indulged my desires for a short time, I've only ever played with a Sadist and a Domme in real life...it's hard to notice the difference at first because I'm so blinded by the fact that I've even come across anyone in real life that's even remotely interested in the kind of lifestyle I'm interested in. As I get older and the more I experience, I realize more and more the qualities I am looking for in a disciplinarian. I'm understanding more of what I need and want, and I know it's out there...somewhere...
Years ago...I'd say at least 15 (wow, seems Much longer than that), I finally discovered there were people out there, other Adults like me, that shared my desire to be spanked! And that's when I joined MsDawn and her girls and was given the name "sly" by my big sister. I was formally trained on online etiquette and how to be an online submissive. That is when my alter ego was born and the first time in my life I was able to embrace my inner self and not feel like such an outcast.
My girlfriend at the time and I had a very short bought with a couple once. Hard core BDSMers and we had no business messing around with that...but those were just a session or two. The first was a heavy session for a first timer. I wasn't sure of anything. She worked my back and bottom fairly intensely with a flogger and a leather belt, but I hardly even reacted to it. I think it surprised her and the two others that were there that I hardly even flinched. I was deemed the "stoic subbie" that night.
The closest I've ever come to finding what I need emotionally has been online with a wonderful woman named "Angie." She is the one who gave me my middle and last "sub" name, Samantha Johnson. She's a great Mommy, and I've loved her for 4 years...there aren't even enough words to thank her for what she has done for me.
I tried to find that same emotional connection with a local woman the last half of '09 in hopes of having both the emotional and physical all in one. I had the BEST time with her, and it was an exceptional experience, but it's over now, and I have to move on.
The first half of '09, I had a live experience with an old "friend" of mine. We had been online friends since way back in the MsDawn days. I had even been her submissive online for a time, and we had met in person a few years before. But when met face to face as Domme/submissive...well, lets just say it wasn't a good match after all. I want it to be known that it was a Horrible, degrading experience and one that I would like to forget ever happened. Traumatic comes to mind when I have to think of that time...*SHUDDERS* That was a great example of why it is Not a good idea to keep overlooking & ignoring All the warning signs. (oh, the warning signs...all the many, Many warning signs...) That was SO my fault. Lesson Learned!
And there was one other. She was a Domme that I found advertising on Craig's list. She knew how to swing a belt! She was good at that...gave me what I needed physically. I mean, she really was good at that...had good tone when scolding, great technique, imaginative ideas. She was going through all the right motions, but I just didn't get any of the emotional rush, which in turn, I wasn't achieving sub space, nor was it turning me on. I think something might have developed over time, maybe...but she was rushing and trying to have it all in a day, and I wasn't feeling it, it showed, and she dismissed me. I think her ultimate goal was orgasm, and I wanted it to be more genuine with some depth. I was not comfortable having a sexual relationship with her. I think I hurt her ego. It was not intentional.
So besides describing the two other long term, domestic partners I've had, that's about all the experience I've had. The two long term were just vanilla's trying to make me happy, and once the new wore off, the play was over. The love remains, but so does this insatiable need, and I have to pursue my hearts desire to feel whole.
And here follows, the Lost Blog. A tiny written account of my experience as they happened over this past year...
Thursday, August 6, 2009
This is just a draft.
Yes, after all these years of longing, cravings and desire, I finally stepped out of the box and tried to make my dreams a reality...
I laughed and told my girlfriend that I have been through two Dommes already this year. It's not looking too good for me so far! I laugh because it's so out of character of me to be seeking this out in the first place, but to be becoming somewhat of a ...well, I wouldn't say Pro, but, I'm definitely not hiding in the back corner anymore, That's for sure! The simple fact that I have put myself out there at all is a Huge step.
My girlfriend and I have discussed this insatiable desire I have to have a disciplinarian in my life. I've Always needed it...Always desired it. I'm 40 years old, and it won't go away! So, we talked, hashed and got through and decided that together, we will find a disciplinarian for me. Someone that will fit into our lives as easily as we will fit into theirs. There is Bound to be someone out there that is looking for the same type of unique relationship that will gel well with us.
So, I decided I would blog bits and pieces of my experiences through this journey as a way to help sort through what it is that I'm looking for and to help understand things that have gone wrong in the past.
Do not mistake, though. I do have a Mommy that loves me very much. I have discussed this need with her as well, and she is in agreement that I need someone close by that can physically administer punishments. Ideally, I would be able to find someone who would love to act as a surrogate Mommy and step in when my Mommy calls on her to do so. Luckily for me, my girlfriend does serve as surrogate when needed, but we would prefer someone else step in and assume that role.
Posted by Sly Johnson at 11:48 AM 0 comments
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Well...here i am again...over extended! Forgot a had a time limit on blogging about last night's session...Time is Not my friend!
It was Great! It was so nice to riding over there, knowing that i was going to get spanked. i loved that i was going to Her house for a change. i liked knowing i was going to be on Her turf, and the house was new and unknown to me...and that in itself was a turn on.
The house was great! Loved the garden area! Loved the garage apartment off to the right of the house. But the Master bedroom was to Die for! Stand up shower, garden tub with a Huge windown right in front...i wonder how many of the neighbors saw us last night? *giggles*
i was guided to a big, puffy chair by my nipples, restrained, then was told to take two steps back away from the back of the chair, then was told to bend over and lay my forehead on a throw pillow She had placed there. The She scolded me...brought up things i had already forgotten about, then She spanked me pretty hard with a couple of differnt paddles...til i was begging and screaming for Her to stop...Promising Never to misbehave again. i hope She doesn't Really hold me to that promise!
and the next thing i remember was laying across the bed, face down, scooted up so my head was off the bed, looking down at the floor. She straddled my head, told me to grab Her ankles, She leaned over my body and started spanking me Really, Really Hard! and i was fussing and begging and crying for Her to stop, and when i started wiggling or fussing too much, She clamped Her legs closed around my head to calm me down. It was a Very Hot session! i'd never had that done to me before, and i like it!
More so, last night was a time for me to please my Mistress. And, by the look on Her face, the sound of her moans, and the condition of the bed and sheets when we were done, i'd say i did my job as Her submissive last night. *Big Proud Smile*
:::looking at the time::: Well...not to rush you away or anything...but i'm working on a deadline here, and i wam trying to stay in good graces for at Least a 24 hour period before i start racking up more punishments!
Lots and lots more happened, and i'll write more later about it, maybe.
Till next time!
Posted by Sly Johnson at 11:40 AM 1 comments
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
i've always loved this picture...and now i have a really good reason to post it. It's a great depiction of what's to come tomorrow evening...my Mistress will be waiting for me. And the look on this Mistress's face is, i'm sure, Very much going to look a lot like that on my Mistress's face when i arrive...
Well...tomorrow nights the night. i'm to meet my Mistress at Her new house at 8 pm Sharp! For every 5 minutes i'm late (and i don't plan to be late!!!), i will have 4 more paddles added on to my already Huge list of paddlings i have coming already.
i'm nervous. i'm excited. And my Mistress deserves some special pampering after all She's been through the past couple of weeks. She's had a lot of stress that Always comes with the purchase of a new home, She's had deadlines to meet with school, and She's had to deal with me and my attitude during all of this as well...
Between my company being here for so long, and Her life and all that's going on right now, we have not been able to concentrate on Us, so all of you must know what happens in a little subbie's mind when no one seems to be paying attention for a while...well...they just don't do well!
i am ready for my Mistress to take charge again. i am ready to obey Her. i want to be Her good girl again and make Her happy. i know i've been a bad girl. and i know i deserve the spankings i'm going to get tomorrow night. i've been Really bad and pushing Her and bratting Big Time! i am surprised She is allowing me to go on my little weekend getaway this weekend, but i am sure that i will be remembering our little "Talk" All weekend Long! Something tells me a 7 hour drive sitting on top of a freshly paddled bottom is going to be a challenge! i hope She remembers and is kind and makes sure there are no visible marks for when i go to the beach and the springs!
i'm ready to be Her good girl again...
Posted by Sly Johnson at 5:07 PM 0 comments
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Ten Minutes on The Wall...
Last week, when She was here, She immediately took my nipples in her fingers and reminded me that i was Her girl! i know i'm Her girl. my nipples were already so sore, because for two days prior to our meeting, She had me wear my nipple clamps in preparation for Our session. She does this knowing that when She is not here, all the conditioning and attention She pays to them, all it takes is a certain tone in Her voice over the phone, and my nipples will get hard for Her. A simple text, warning me or scolding me, and my nipple react and get Hard for Her...
She has chosen to use this method as a training tool. And trust me, it has been a Very Effective little tool for Her. So, when she was here last week, after She played and teased me for what seemed like forever, until i was all drawn up tight into little hard balls. She pulled on them a bit and attached the clamps...the one with the weight attached. She said it was time for my punishments.
She likes to make me lean against the wall, hands on the wall sorta spread eagle like, with bottom sticking out, the nipple weight dangling and pulling my sore nipples...and then the paddling starts...and that damn weight swings forward, then side to side as i try to keep as still as i can! And then *WHACK!* Another lick from that nasty paddle! *WHACK!* And my nipples are being jerked around and *WHACK!* pulled *WHACK!* and twisted *WHACK!* and i'm not allowed to break position or She'll start all over again!
my Mistress keeps Her promise of a punishment, and the paddling continues much longer than my giggly little inner brat would like, and i start to beg my Mommy to stop, and i Promise to be Oh So Good! But my Mommy knows better, and She knows best, and Her grip tightens and She brings that paddle down, Hard, on my bottom again...and again...and again.... my pussy just throbs and i realize how wet i am getting... my bottom's on fire! my nipples Hurt! And in between the crisp, sounding slaps against my naughty ass, i hear Her voice, scolding me, almost taunting me about my punishment. Making me feel So childish! i'm ashamed of my actions...i'm embarrassed to be treated in such a way, but We both know this is what has to be done.
But what happened next, i was Not expecting. The paddling stopped, and i felt Her hands running all over my body, across my sore bottom, caressing as She did, bringing me back down in preparation to send me back up again...
She reached up and brought my right hand off the wall and placed it in the small of my back. She then did the same with my other arm...and then i felt the tight, secure Velcro restraints close around each wrist, and my pussy throbbed even more. At this time, She has me standing straight up again, turns me around and She takes the leads on the clamps, slightly tugging at my nipples as if i am to follow Her...*MELTS* and follow Her, i do...down the hall, bare, red ass glowing all the way, my wrist bound behind my back being lead by my nipples behind my Mistress...
She goes into the garage for a hammer and nail, and then She leads me into the guest bedroom. She said "This is going to be your wall, sly. When I call you and tell you you are to give Me 10 minutes on the wall, this is what I will be talking about." And She stands me up to the wall, lifts the chain to my clamps and tells me to stand on my tippey toes. i do...and She pulls the chain tight, lifting my breast up high by my nipples and then hammers the nail through a specially marked rung so i'll know which one to use next time, and told me this is my corner time today. i will be standing here, wrist bound behind my back, nipples pulled high and taught, standing on my tippey toes...feeling every Tiny tug as i struggle to keep on my toes until my Mistress decides to take me down.
i am dripping wet by now...and i can feel Her behind me...watching me...in Her gentle voice now, giving me soft and encouraging words to help keep me focused, but at the same time, She's still being strict, and a bit taunting still, saying things like, "Mommy's little girl was a bad little girl this week, and bad girl's Have to be punished. Mommy doesn't like punishing Her baby...but She Will! Mommy loves Her baby! Loves her enough to hold her responsible..." And things like that that She knows i have to hear during punishments.
She also makes certain that i am aware that once i come off that wall, "what Else happens to naughty little girls, sly? Hmmm?? Tell Mommy what else happens to little naughty girl's bottoms when they misbehave? Hmmm??"
Hearing those words coming from Her mouth, i feel like my legs have melted away from beneath me and i am left hanging there only by my nipples, and i wait for Her to take me down...lost in subspace...reconnected, once again, with my Mistress.
Posted by Sly Johnson at 9:22 PM 3 comments
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Something i've learned lately...
When you are begging for your Mommy to stop spanking you, and your Mommy asks you Why should she stop spanking you, you should not answer, "Because it hurts!" This is Not the answer she is looking for!
Posted by Sly Johnson at 1:56 PM 5 comments
Monday, June 22, 2009
What in the Hell am i doing??
i don't think i'm doing this right at all...
Posted by Sly Johnson at 10:55 PM 7 comments