Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday night...

Reflecting over the day, She told me i Was Her's! my smile grew bigger. She said she would know when to discipline me, and when she does, it will be like a Mother would punish her daughter. i just nodded and agreed and yes Ma'amed her. She was saying all the words i've been waiting to hear! i belong to Her now...Wow!

Of course, once i came back to my senses from realizing my every dream was coming true right before my eyes, at that very moment, my very first instinct was to do something bad so i could get a spanking! i'm curious to how she will punish me. Will she use her hand, or a belt, or even a hairbrush or paddle? Will she make me pull my pants down, or will she pull them down for me? Maybe she won't take my clothes off at all? Maybe she won't even spank me at first. What if she makes me stand in the corner, or puts me on restriction, or Worst of All, Write Lines!!! i have not even let "lines" cross my lips in all the different discussions we've had. i hope it hasn't crossed her mind either! i don't know. i Want to know. i Want her attention! But why, oh WHY did i disobey So Soon? Do i have other submissive readers out there who might have the same reactions as i do? Any Dommes with insight? Any advice on how to stop from doing things like that? From a Top's point of view, it's quite rude, i'm sure...but it's something deep inside me that has no reasoning and just reacts.

i asked her permission for something, and she said, "No." i didn't want her to say no, but it was the right decission. i was satisfied with the answer at the moment...but then about a half hour later, i wanted it again, and i just did it anyway, real fast so i wouldn't think about how Stupid i was being! i mean, that was just Stupid! Especially after our talks earlier. Am i Crazy?!

But i'm not telling her. Unless she flat out asks. Usually, i would know better to confess. i was taught that over the years with my online Dommes/Mommys/Tops. But real life is different. Before, meeting online, everyone online was ready and prepared for "Play." Real life, there are all these other outside realities surrounding us, that if i confessed everything i fell short on, everyday, we'd never get anywhere. i don't think she wants me to confess...because when i do, it's almost like i'm Topping from the bottom...and she's recognized already that i'm a pro at that. i have to laugh about it too, because she see's it so clearly and won't let it happen. i actually am beginning to realize that my training already started weeks ago, and it's been a lesson in Topping from the bottom. Ah, YES! It's so clear to me now! Ha Ha! Touche, Ma'am! Well done! Lesson learned. :)

Online, not telling her would be considered a lie of omission. Not telling her and acting like everything was okay was as bad a lieing. But real life, until she's ready to deal with me, i think i should just keep a mental note and not say anything until she asks...right?

It's past my bedtime too. That's not on purpose. i am in bed, afterall...but i can't sleep because i'm supposed to spend the day with her tomorrow. As long as nothing comes up between now and then, that's my plan, so i can Not sleep! i feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve! *giggles*



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